By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
