I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
