i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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