I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
