his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
