And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
