she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She's the barista slut.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
