Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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