Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
