I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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