Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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