Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
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The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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