it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
