You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
