Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
