Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
