So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
