Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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