remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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