i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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