So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
