thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Mom said you looked used
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
