once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
