bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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