Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
