You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
