there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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