WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
vagina is talking i cant
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
