just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
