she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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