I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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