this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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