I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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