im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
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You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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