I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
