we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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