If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
