I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
