Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
