I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
