I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
