Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
