I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
