how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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