Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
