Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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