God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
