my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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