I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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