I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you inspire me to be a worse person
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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