dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
