Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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