Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
